Under His Powerful Hand

I know that I’m not perfect.  Yet for some reason, one of the most consistent distractions for me is the voice that says, “you should really be past this by now.”  Day after day I struggle with the same sins, and day after day I become more frustrated with myself.  After all these years, why do I still do the same things?  Shouldn’t I be better than this?

This kind of thinking becomes a cycle that for me, actually takes me away from the Lord. Because really, that question is irrelevant. Where I should or should not be in this moment doesn’t matter nearly as much as where I am, and if I beat myself up over it, I end up circling away from God, and thus away from anything that will help me. Off on a tangent of thought that only serves to remind me of what a failure I am.

St. Bernard’s writings in today’s office are so encouraging to me. In them he says,

“We all offend in many things; our strength cannot match the rectitude of God’s will, being neither one with it nor wholly in accord with it; let us then humble ourselves under the powerful hand of the most high God and be concerned to show ourselves unworthy before his merciful gaze, saying, Heal me, Lord, and I shall be healed; save me and I shall be saved.”

Here he opens my eyes and shows me that I’ve been asking the wrong question all along.  The question never was, “why do I keep doing this?” because such a question assumes that I will one day, of my own merits, be able to overcome my sinful nature.  It is not concerned, as the great Saint writes, with being humbled before God.  It is still attached to the idea of coming before God only once we have been perfected, not realizing that the only sure way to the perfection He calls us to, is allowing our imperfect selves to be present to Him in humility.  As a dear priest friend said to me during confession once, when I expressed sorrow at committing the same sins over and over, “well do you want new ones?”  Struggling with the same sins over and over is not a sign that we are not advancing in the spiritual life, but rather an opportunity to recognize our need for Christ, and a reminder that nothing we ever do will be enough on its own to bring about true conversion in our lives.  We don’t make this happen and then turn to God; we come to Him as we are.  This is what He desires.

St. Bernard continues:

“Once the eye of the soul has been purified by such considerations, we no longer abide within our own spirit in a sense of sorrow, but abide rather in the Spirit of God with great delight.  No longer do we consider what is the will of God for us, but rather what it is in itself.  For our life is his will.“

Earlier this week I read from Fr. Julian Carron,

“Here is another point that we must not miss: the knowledge of God is not gained in spite of the rebellion of his people, but actually through it.  The Lord makes Himself known precisely in responding to the rebellion and forgetfulness of the people, as he did in front of their murmuring.  God uses this occasion to challenge his people with a new initiative, ‘I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites.  Tell them, “In the evening twilight you will eat meat and in the morning you will have your fill of bread, and then you will know that I, the Lord, am your God.” This is the enduring modality God uses to make Himself known to His people, and from this ‘they shall know that I, the Lord, and their God who brought them out of the land of Egypt.’ Right after He adds, ‘So that I, their Lord, might dwell among them’.”

The journey God takes to our hearts is not around our sin, but indeed through it.  Because who among us could overcome our sin without Him? The question we should be asking is not, “why am I here again?” but instead, “Where are You, oh God?”  And when we ask such a question, we cut through all the distractions, all the disappointments we have of coming up short and all the foolish expectations we have that we will never do this again.  In short, we humble ourselves as St. Bernard says, under the mighty hand of God.  And when we allow ourselves to be thus before our God, then we truly are able to feel His power in our life.  And the question is no longer, “what is your will for my life?” but “How can I live with you?”

Today’s writings challenge me to pray for the grace, as St. Bernard writes, to be concerned to show myself unworthy before God’s merciful gaze.  When my sin is ever before me, rather than hiding in shame I should be grateful that God is uncovering this weakness within me, so that I can bring it to Him.  How difficult it is to maintain such a disposition in front of our failures!  The very thought makes me uncomfortable, and so I know I have a long way to go before accepting my weakness and uniting myself to God is truly a way of life.

Help me Lord to accept my shortcomings as a gift from you. Bring my weakness into the light, so that I can say with an honest and sincere heart, “heal me Lord, and I shall be healed; save me Lord and I shall be saved.”